I guess down at Pensacola...
...they still talk about the day of the admiral's tea party.
It was one of what came to be called "Spig's Big Days."
Spig Wead and I were in Annapolis and World War I together.
But all along, Spig knew he wanted to fly...
...and I knew I wanted whatever Spig wanted.
So we wangled our way into the first regular flying class the Navy ever had.
Not bad, not bad, not bad.
Question, Mr. Dexter.
The same question, Mr. Wead?
- The same question, sir. - Same answer, Mr. Wead.
I suspected as much, sir.
What was the answer, Mr. Wead?
We are not to engage in solo flight...
...until our instructor feels we are ready, sir.
And the reason, Mr. Wead?
Planes and funerals are expensive.
They cost the taxpayers money, sir.
Attention.
I shall see you at the admiral's tea party.
Dismissed.
- Come on, let's go. - Spig, will you quit riding him.
Hey, right.
Hey, can these things really fly?
- Where did you leave your motorcycles? - What?
- There's no smoking on the base. - What about you?
Cigars only.
How do you like that. What's the Army doing around my plane?
Who cares what the Army's doing, Spig?
Min told us 3:00. She's waiting. The admiral's tea?
Hey, you.
You wanna buy her?
This pile of junk? Can anybody get it up in the air?
Now, why don't you just hop right up in there with me and we'll find out.
Now, why don't we just do that.
Trip over your spurs?
Put your foot here. One foot there.
- Back over here now. - Spig, you idiot.
- Jughead, let's go. - Go where?
Taking the Army for a ride.
- Taking the Army for a ride? Just like that? - Just like that.
You've never been at the controls by yourself before.
And right now you owe six payments on your furniture...
...three on your Stutz Bearcat, two on your baby.
If anything goes wrong, there'll be a court-martial.
They'll kick you out of the Navy.
And I'll wind up a second-class seaman, just like this dope.
- Think of the future, Mr... - Shut up, Pincus.
Spig Wead. Never listen to anybody else.
Just do exactly what you wanna do all the time.
All right, you wanna fly that thing? Go ahead.
Go ahead, kill yourself. You'll wind up busted and broke.
I can always join the Army.
Why don't you be quiet just once in a while?
Mr. Wead wants to fly, didn't you hear him?
Get a line. Hurry up. Get a move on.
- Ready, Army? - Ready, Navy.
Crazy idiot, Spig. No, don't do it.
- Come back. - Spig, don't.
All right, Johnny. Where is he? I told him 3:00.
Did I have to specify what day? Who's that idiot?
That's Spig, honey.
Spig?
Hey.
Hey, how much time have you had?
- About 11 seconds. - What?
Eleven seconds.
- But the admiral's tea party was this... - I couldn't help it, Min.
- I couldn't help it. I tried... - Well, you ought to know better.
I did everything I...
I did everything I could.
- Go get that crash boat. - Yes, sir. Let's go. Now.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
Put it down, down.
Hey, there's my crew.
Let's buzz them.
Come here.
Lookit there.
Hey, lookie there.
Hey, did you ever fly through a hangar?
- No. Oh, no. Oh, come on, fella. No, no. - Neither have I.
That's my wife.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
I did everything I could.
- Hey, let me have the stick. - What?
The stick. I'm taking over.
No.
- What's the matter? - We're out of gas.
Well, set her down, you idiot.
Watch this landing.
No, on the water. On the water!
Hang on.
Spig!
You all right, sir?
Sorry, shorty, I missed it.
- You all right, Spig? - Here, give him a hand. Get him out of here.
Are you alive?
Spig.
Afraid? So am I.
Pardon me, ma'am. Please? Please.
Wead.
The admiral would like to see you in his quarters immediately.
Yes, sir.
Won't be home for dinner, hon.
Good. I hope they throw the book at you, page by page.
- I hope they throw you... - Captain Hazard?
- Yes. - General Ricketts' compliments, sir.
He would like to see you at once.
- And that's all you got to say? - Yes, sir.
- Nothing more to add? - No, sir.
- The whole truth and nothing but? - Yes, sir.
Carson, do you know that you're the biggest liar in the United States Navy?
Yes, s... No, s... Yes, sir.
- That's all. - Thank you, sir.
Mr. Wead.
- Attention. - Carry on, gentlemen. Carry on.
Mr. Wead, from Annapolis to your commendation for war duty...
...this is a record that any officer might envy.
That is, up until this episode.
- You've confirmed the facts presented? - Yes, sir.
- Is there any statement you'd like to make? - Yes, sir.
- Make it. - Charges against me boil down...
...to doing something I'd never done before.
How else are we going to get aviation for the United States Navy?
This all may be true, but it doesn't seem to have much bearing on this case.
Sir, it is the case.
At least, it's mine.
And I think it should be yours.
- Hi, Min. - Hi.
Hi, Commodore.
- I borrowed a little of Spig's corn whiskey. - Sure, that's okay.
What else have you got to do? Here.
What are you all clobbered up about, Min?
- If Spig gets bounced out of the Navy... - Spig's bounced out of the Navy.
Look, Johnny, Spig just joined the Navy. I'm married to it.
I run the mess hall, I swab the decks, I chip the rust.
You're afraid that they'll kick Spig out of the Navy.
I'm afraid that they won't.
Hey.
I think he's feverish.
- Now I owe you my life. - You owe me nothing.
That's what I meant.
- Good evening. - Good evening, Mrs. Wead.
- So they didn't kick you out after all. - Right.
And you spent all of next month's pay celebrating.
Wrong. I won the first-to-solo pool.
- And I am loaded. No cracks. - Hey...
The squadron decided that flying with the Army...
...was as close to solo as a sailor could get.
And this, my titian-haired darling, is what I brought for you.
First prize.
- The Commodore's sick. - Commodore?
Where's the Commodore?
Hiya, little old fella.
How you feel, little old boy?
Look what your daddy brought you. First prize for the first crash.
Hey, let's get out of there.
You know, this crib's getting a little small for the old Commodore.
Hey, Min.
This kid is sick.
The doc's in there.
He'll be okay, Spig.
Sure, Mr. Wead. Them little kids get everything.
- Colds, measles. - Yeah, sure.
I had the mumps myself, six times. It don't mean anything.
Spig!
Sorry, Spig.
- Anything we can do? - No.
But he can do her some good.
Stick around.
- Congratulations. - Thank you, sir.
Congratulations.
We sort of split up, Spig and I did, after graduation.
He became a hotshot pilot, all right.
Hotshot with a plane and a baby carriage too.
In those years, Spig was only little brass.
But after all, where would big brass be without little brass?
- Good morning, sir. - Good morning, Jack.
- Did you see this? - Yes, sir.
What are we going to do about it?
Jack, who's our best pilot?
Oh, I don't mean the best throttle jockey...
...or the one who flies by the pit of his stomach or by the seat of his pants.
I mean our best brain.
Capital B-R-A-I-N.
S-P-I-G.
- Get him. - Yes, sir.
- That's mine. - Give me my shovel.
Come on. Give it to me.
Quiet, kids. Go on upstairs and take your bath.
Just a minute, young ladies.
Come back here and pick those up and take them upstairs with you.
Come on. Now, hurry up. Hurry up.
Come on.
Go on, get moving.
See that you wash yourselves clean.
Good afternoon, Miss America.
Here among your unpaid bills I find a communication.
From Washington. Washington, D. C.
I'm not going.
Stay broke and keep moving, that's the story of our lives.
Spig, you've got two daughters.
They've lived in seven different houses in seven different stations...
...in seven different years.
Back and forth across the country, and in and out of it too.
Well, I'm just not gonna move them anymore.
Well, have a drink. Pensacola, Coronado. What's the difference between houses?
It's a big difference to me because I've got to live in them.
All right. One of these days, you'll have a
nice, big, fine, gold-braided admiral's house.
And you can live in it forever.
No, Spig. I'm a little tired. I want to relax a little bit.
I want to drink a little bit...
...and I want to spend a little more than we can afford.
Okay, you've had your say.
Now, let's throw the kids and the bags in the jalopy and get on the road.
- We haven't much time. - Okay.
You take the high road, and I'll take the low road...
...and we'll see who gets to the poorhouse first.
But my road leads here. Right here.
It's like you got a shiny desk with a great big drawer marked "Navy"...
...and a big drawer marked "flying"...
...and a tiny little drawer marked "Min."
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, and so on and so on.
Well, there's not much air in my drawer, Spig...
...and I'm finding it pretty tough to breathe.
I think you're getting too big for your drawers.
No, no, no, ma'am. I'll give you a clue.
Coronado, California. C, like in "crap game."
Yes, ma'am, I want you to keep trying.
Stick and stay, bound to pay.
- That's my way, Susie Mae. - Hey, Spig.
- Beautiful? - Is it on the level?
Ask me when we get to Bombay, Paris or Hong Kong.
Which reminds me. Since when have you been cutting orders on me, boy?
Not me, Johnny. Me and Admiral Moffett.
- Pincus, what's bothering you? - It's my foot, sir.
You win a bet from him, his feet hurt.
No, I keep my money in my shoes.
- Every time I pay, it hurts. - Knock it off.
Attention.
- Wead, did you announce this? - Yes, sir.
- Do you like it? - Yes, sir.
War and football draw the biggest crowds.
So now we'll have an Army-Navy race around the world.
Sir, the whole country will be sitting in on it.
Congress is sitting in on it.
In fact, Congress is sitting on it.
They've ordered a special hearing tomorrow for you and me.
- Shut up and get off the phone, you stupid... - Carson!
Evening, sir.
- Hello, Pincus. - Good evening, sir.
- How's the wife? - Fine.
- And them lovely kiddies? - Fine. Nice to see you.
Yes. Yeah. It's... It's for... I got her, Spig. Sir.
Hello.
Hello. Min?
Yeah. Did you get my wire, hon?
It looks like we're gonna be gone about a month.
Oh, you know how I am about writing letters.
They all sound like interoffice memos.
Tell her you love her.
Looks like we'll be back here a couple of years.
Why don't you move on out?
Of course I miss you. That's what I'm trying to say.
Look, I found a swell apartment, hon.
It'll be just great for the kids. About a block from a kindergarten.
Of course, it'll be a little noisy.
It's right near the airfield and my squadron's planes...
Well, anyway, I finally got her.
Well, I didn't.
Round the world.
Come and see this.
Come and see.
- Thank you. - With one flying by.
- Thank you, sir. - Your hat, sir.
- Here's to your health, Mr. Wead. - Thank you very much.
Please, gentlemen, gentlemen. This is a private party.
A private Army party.
And a very nice party too. Right?
- Yes. - Here's to you.
Alberto.
Tell them to come right out here. It's an emergency.
- Is that beer? - Yes.
In Prohibition?
- Don't you know it's illegal? - I just work here.
Well, you should watch yourself.
- Carson. - Yes, sir.
- Compliments of the Army Air Corps. - Sir. Boy.
Spig, don't you think we ought to blow?
We're gonna stir up a heck of a mess here.
What? Where's your curiosity, Mr. Price?
This is a rare opportunity to study the species Homo sapiens.
Subspecies Army.
To General John J. Pershing.
To Calvin Coolidge.
- To Spig Wead. - Who's he?
The gentleman who sent us the beer.
- Spig Wead. - Mr. Wead.
- Sorry. - To Mr. Wead.
To our landlocked Congress.
May they quit smoking cigars for a month and buy us some planes.
To celebrate being selected as the Army flight team...
...to beat Navy around the world. - Yeah.
- Good evening. - Good evening.
Spig, let's go on out of here.
Don't be so rude. Our host is about to make a speech. Continue.
Thank you.
Gentlemen, I think we'd do well now...
...to make plans for our victory dinner, right?
Right.
Every race implies a loser as well as a winner.
And I think it could only prove, once again, Army sportsmanship...
...to invite the Navy losers to our victory dinner.
Gentlemen.
I presume that each team will have the same number of men.
- Correct, mister? - Correct.
Each of you, then, will invite your opposite Navy number.
For the occasion consider him as your big brother.
As a representative of the Navy, I think a few words are in order.
Very few.
It is 25,000 miles around the world.
We expect to finish 12,500 miles ahead of you.
- End of few words. Thank you. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.
The trouble is, mister, you got nothing to fly.
We won't need much more than a kite to beat you.
- May I make a suggestion? - Please do.
Why don't you fly this?
A few more words are in order.
You're our guest.
What manners.
We grace your party...
...we drink your liquor...
...and I suppose this is supposed to be funny.
A matter of opinion.
Well, the liquor was pretty good.
And the cake is nice.
- Right? - Right.
Thank you for the party, gentlemen. Thank you. And thank you.
Police!
Here, buddy, hold this.
Hey, let's quit. We're even.
Police! Police!
The kitchen. The kitchen.
I can't think of an excuse. Not a thing.
I'm going to say that I forgot my wife's birthday.
She clobbered me. They can't argue with that.
Sure can't. But me, I can't think of a thing.
- Go ahead. - You go ahead.
You afraid?
No.
So we were discussing...
Mr. Wead.
Captain Hazard.
Mr. Wead, Captain Hazard.
Information has reached me through certain channels...
...that you two gentlemen have met.
Just for the record, are we at war?
Where did you get those eyes?
I forgot my wife's birthday, and she clobbered me.
And you?
Me, I can't think of a thing.
Well, gentlemen, your round-the-world race is cancelled.
Well, the Army flight will take place because
the Army asked for it first. But no race.
The Navy appreciates your position, senator.
Good. You can't win, might as well be a good loser.
However, I'm not sure the entire Navy shares that view.
- Permission to speak, sir. - Fire away.
It's our training. We're not taught to be losers, good or otherwise.
And now we are losing carriers that we need and planes to fly from them.
Someday we may lose something bigger than that.
If you can't develop both services impartially...
...you're either shirking your duty or you don't know what your duty is.
Well, son...
...there's a lot of things we don't know. Here's some of the things we do.
Now, we've got a country yelling "pacifism" at us. Disarmament.
The world is gonna live together like one big, happy family.
There'll be no more war.
The Army and the Navy are going out of business.
Now, you...
...outside of the clubs and barrooms...
...you'll fight maybe one war in a generation.
Well, we have to fight those voters every blamed two years.
Now, you want us to cancel that flight for the Army?
Well, no, sir. That stunt may get them the bombers they need for their service.
You just want to nail down the Lexington and Saratoga?
- Yes, sir. - Not just a mockup, like the Langley.
Well...
...they tell me there's more than one way to skin a cat, admiral.
- That'll be all, gentlemen. - Yes, sir.
By the way...
...off the record, who won that fight?
- The Navy. - The Army.
Oh, boy, where is the ladies' retiring room?
- Right in there, ma'am. - Come on.
Black eyes. Swimming pool.
Congressmen.
Now, what's this new scuttlebutt you're spreading?
International seaplane races, sir.
The United States has never won them, nor the Schneider Cup that goes with them.
- I'm aware of that, Wead. - All right, sir, let's play the races.
We'll hit the public and keep hitting them.
You okay it, sir, and we'll bring the Schneider Cup home.
Fill it with champagne and jam it down the Army's throat.
Yeah, that would be nice.
There's only one thing wrong.
Why let the Army drink our champagne?
That's your daddy up there with the goggles.
See your daddy? He's the one beside...
- Daddy. - Him?
- Yes. - Daddy.
- Daddy.
Will you shut up.
Oh, drop dead.
Hey.
Every single day...
This one is for old Dave, the first to cross the line.
Yeah.
- Let me drink to old Dave. - Hear, hear.
- Come on, hurry up. - Hurry it up there.
Speech, speech.
- Give me that cup. - Yeah, pass it on.
This is a happy cup, inside and out.
And here's a toast to all of you who brought it back where it belongs.
You're a great crew, each and every one of you.
Even Carson there, who slept all through the race.
All I know, Jughead, you were up 96 hours getting the planes ready.
But seriously, I want to thank each and every one of you...
...from the bottom of my heart.
It was a long, backbreaking job...
...and those that flew know what they owe to the others.
If it hadn't been for the cooperation and the teamwork...
- What's a record? - I told you.
It's something nobody else ever did.
Would it be a record if Daddy came home?
That would be a world's record.
- We don't want anything. - We're broke.
We've already got a carpet sweeper.
- It ain't paid for. - It isn't paid for.
Don't you kids ever read the newspapers?
I'm your daddy.
- Hey, Pickle Puss, come here. - What is it?
Remember: Go and ask.
Are you the funny man with the goggles?
I sure am, honey.
Oh, Daddy.
And I've got a present for each one of you.
Now, there's one for you, and one for you.
- Where's your mother? - At the bridge club.
The bridge club, eh?
- Oh, they're beautiful. - Who's getting your supper?
I am, of course.
Do you want some?
- What is it? - Chicken a la King.
- Out of... Out of a tin can. - I sure do.
- I'm hungry. - Want some?
- Sure. - Then you just sit down right there.
I was going to.
Shall I call you "Daddy"?
- You better. - Me too?
You too, Pickle Puss.
Here, wait a minute. Let me take that.
I'll serve you. Come on. Sit down. Sit down.
Good night.
- You forgot something. - What?
Now I lay me down to sleep.
- I pray the Lord my soul to keep. - I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
- If I die before I wake... - If I die before I wake...
...I pray the Lord my soul to take. ...I pray the Lord my soul to take.
- Good night. - Good night.
Good night who?
- Daddy. - Daddy.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
- Hi. - Hi.
Home is the sailor, home from the sea And the hunter home from the hill
Well, they cooked their own supper, and then I threw them in bed.
- How'd it feel? - Great.
But I blackmailed them. I brought them some beads.
Well, go ahead, get it over with. Ask me where I have been.
Oh, I know where you've been. You've been playing bridge.
You got behind.
The winners go to dinner and the losers stay to play.
I know how it is.
I was going to phone you, and then I got a cute idea.
I thought I'd come in unannounced. To tell you the truth...
Why don't you?
All right. I've been thinking what a heel I've been...
...about you and about my own kids.
I don't know. When I do something, I go all the way.
Living, gambling, flying, I tap myself out.
I guess that's the way I want it to be.
- Maybe, even, it's the way I am. - Star-spangled Spig.
Damn the martinis, full speed ahead and don't give up the ship.
Have a drink.
Listen, Min, I'm trying to say I've been a fool.
First-class, senior-grade, gold-braided.
So have I.
Okay, let's change it.
Let's grow up before our kids do.
We'd better hurry up.
- Phone's ringing. - Oh, let it ring.
Why not? It's probably just Washington.
Oh, I forgot.
Do you know that you're in the arms of the newest...
...lieutenant commander in the United States Navy?
Star-spangled Spig.
And a squadron leader.
All I know is that I'm in the arms of a fella named Spig...
...that I'm nuts about.
Hey, how about getting back to your necking...
...with a little more enthusiasm. - Right.
Mommy, do you know whose lap you're in?
No.
- Daddy's. - Daddy's.
Go ahead, shake hands with him.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
Why don't you go to bed.
Mama.
Spig!
Spig, what...?
Don't. Don't move me, Min.
I can't... My back.
No feeling.
Call hospital.
Naval hospital.
Bilateral paralysis resulting from indicated fracture...
...of the fifth cervical vertebrae.
- You mean my neck's busted? - That's it.
- How bad is that? - Not good.
What are my chances?
If I operate right away, about 4-1.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Permission from you and your next of kin.
I'm my next of kin, let's go.
- Scissors. - Scissors.
- Sponge. - Sponge.
Doctor.
Pressure's dropping, doctor.
- Cc adrenalin. - Cc adrenalin.
Hey.
- Can you hear me, Wead? - Yes.
Open your eyes, Spig.
- Can see you anything? - No.
- He's taken a dive. - Hey.
What's the matter, Mr. Wead?
- Can't you ever win a fight? - Carson.
- Yeah, Carson. - Trying to keep my alive.
- That's right. - You're doing it, thanks.
- You're welcome. - Get him the hell out of here.
Ma'am, throw this under your belt. Make a new man out of you.
Thanks.
- Who are you? - Me? Oh, I'm the new corpsman, ma'am.
Assigned to take care of Mr. Wead. Glad to cooperate with you.
And you just call up... Hey, you're pretty.
- We'll see about this. - Yeah, you do that.
- Carson. - Yes, sir, Carson.
- Excuse me. - Why?
Why? Because I'm your new nurse, that's why.
I'm gonna see you through this little trouble.
- Now, listen, do you know the fix you're in? - No. Do you?
Yes. I figured it out all night, and now I'm gonna brief you.
Well, go ahead, brief.
All right. Now, look, this here is a spinal cord.
It's just like the main cable on any three-phase circuit.
When you stunted down them stairs, you busted five-sixths of it.
- Can it be spliced? - What?
Can it be spliced?
Oh, these croakers will tell you it can't be done...
...but I'm telling you it can.
You remember the manual said I couldn't splice rudder cable?
One-sixth left.
That's right. That is gonna be enough.
We're gonna learn that one-sixth to carry the load...
...all the way down to these feeder circuits.
You know, these medics here never saw no one wire on a bad magneto post.
That's true.
Doctor, you heard him. He gives me a chance.
- I heard him. - But you don't.
Well, we never give up hope. We'll do the best we can.
- Carson, when were you busted back? - Hey, Mr. Wead, he recognized me.
Do I have to have him around?
- Do you want him, Spig? - No.
But I guess he'll have to do.
I've assigned Miss Crumley to your case, Wead.
Fine woman. Fine nurse.
Anything we can do, Miss Crumley, just give us a buzz.
This is Miss Crumley.
- How is he, Carson? - What do you expect?
I can't get the guy to eat. Won't sleep. He hasn't eaten a thing.
He hasn't touched the orange juice. A piece of toast. Soup or something.
But he don't wanna touch nothing.
Min?
- Hi. - Hi.
- The kids? - Oh, they're fine.
- Do they know? - Big one does.
Little one thinks you just took off again.
Oh, she's worn the beads around her neck.
- Is it raining? - Yeah.
Those doctors, did they tell you it was no-go?
Look, Spig, they haven't given up hope, don't you.
Oh, it's got all twisted, Min. It's stay broke and never move.
I won't let you believe that.
You always yelled that I moved around too much, maybe you were right.
You know what else you said that was right?
"Damn the martinis, full speed ahead."
Well, you be like that, Min. You be on your own from now on.
Don't talk like that, Spig. You'll... You'll be all right again.
No, don't pity me.
I never pitied anybody, so I don't want any.
Sorry, Spig. You're right.
And don't pity yourself either. Get out in the world.
Be alive. Take your turn. I took mine.
All right, Spig. Let's have it. What are you trying to tell me?
We were just about through anyway, Min.
We'd lost it. It got away from us.
Whatever it was, and we both remember...
...the good part, the fine time...
...let's not louse it up...
...and let it be something bad and hopeless...
...just because we couldn't keep it.
- I'll bring the kids in to see you. - No. I couldn't take it.
Will you tell me when?
I'll tell you when.
The big one, she's like me.
Don't let her get away with a thing.
And Pickle Puss...
...little old Pickle Puss, she's like...
Like you.
Love her hard.
She's lost without it.
So long, Spig.
So long, Min.
Good luck.
- Good morning. - Is it still raining?
Rain in California? Besides, don't knock the rain.
Rain makes the corn jump up. Cows eat the corn, boom, you got porterhouse.
I went over to Tijuana, got us some of that panther sweat.
- Medicinal panther sweat. - Tequila.
Besides, if we didn't have any rain, we wouldn't have any ocean.
No ocean, no Navy. No Navy, no retired pay.
You and me would have to go to work.
You about ready to get started?
- Why not? - Okay.
Now, that brain of yours is like a generator.
We're gonna generate that power right past that break in your spinal cord...
...all the way down here to these feeder circuits they call nerves.
Now, we're gonna start with this big left pinkie.
- You feel that? - No.
Well, anyway, that's it.
Now, you start saying, "I'm gonna move that toe."
Come on, mister, say it.
Move.
- Move, you little dead stump. - No, say it nice. Say it nice.
Come on, say it, mister. "I'm gonna move that toe," say it.
- I'm gonna move that toe. - All right, say it again.
- I'm gonna move that toe. - All right, louder.
- I'm gonna move that toe. - Say it again.
- I'm gonna move that toe. - Keep saying it.
- I'm gonna move that toe. - Come on, believe it.
- I'm gonna move that toe. - And again.
- I'm gonna move that toe. - Louder, once more.
- I'm gonna move that toe. - All right, knock it off. Take a little rest.